Up and Down: Writing with Bipolar Disorder
Image by Johannes Plenio - Used with permission
Some of my most productive stints as a writer have been during bouts of deep depression. Some of my best ideas have come about during manic episodes that should have put me in a hospital. For the bipolar person, finding balance and artistic productivity is the true battle.
By the way, balance doesn’t mean getting rid of the bipolar experience. Despite my struggles, I wouldn’t trade my brain for anything. Balance, for me, means creating and keeping the stability to make use of those ideas and hyper-productive cycles.
Many studies have shown a higher instance of bipolar in creative fields like writing. Since I fit this category, I can offer some personal insight as to why. (1) Humans are biologically driven to create, and neurodivergence puts this part of our nature into overdrive. (2) During mania and hypomania, our brains are basically running at full speed 100% of the time. We might as well drum up some good ideas. (3) During depression, we need an escape. Imagination is a haven.
Bipolar is a life-long psychiatric disorder that carries with it a lot of connotations, both deserved and deplorable. Most often, I hear people flippantly label indecisiveness and emotionally-charged reactions (particularly in women) as bipolar. I cringe every time. Not only is this inaccurate to the disorder, it perpetuates the idea that bipolar people are unstable, unreliable, and undesirable.
It’s not easy to live with this disorder. It can be highly disruptive to life. However, there are plenty of bipolar people (myself included) who live productive, vibrant lives. Kay Redfield Jamison’s book, An Unquiet Mind, puts this into perspective in a beautiful way. In it, she documents her experience both as a license clinical psychologist and as someone who lives with severe bipolar disorder. If you or someone you know lives with bipolar, please read this book.
Let’s talk about balance. Bipolar people live their lives on a pendulum swing. It will NEVER stop. But we can ride the tide more successfully through treatments like medication and therapy, and through creating rhythms in life that capture our potential as unique and creative beings.
Here are some things that have worked for me as a fiction writer living with bipolar disorder:
1. Creating a daily writing habit
I never know what part of the bipolar spectrum I’ll wake up in. My swings tend toward the down (I have a formal clinical diagnosis of bipolar II), so I’m more likely to struggle with motivation than anything else. For this reason, daily discipline is critical. The best thing to DO when you struggle with depression is to DO. I find that a minimum of 20 minutes a day helps me stay on track with ideas, productivity, and a general sense of stability.
2. Creating accountability
Accountability can be difficult for people who wrestle with mental health. We NEED it. We WANT it. But we are tired. Seeking accountability is exhausting. Giving accountability is exhausting. I’m in a unique position. I have a co-author (my dearest mother) who is 100% invested in seeing me succeed with my writing. I also have friends who occasionally check in on my creative projects and a husband who I have tricked into being my content editor.
If you’re struggling with accountability, I suggest you give some serious thought to your goals as a writer and the quality of the people you want to invite into that journey. You don’t need a co-writer or a content editor necessarily. Choose someone who is invested in your success, can be honest, and isn’t afraid of calling you out when you need a reality check.
3. Having a reading buddy
If you’re a writer, or aspire to be one, get used to reading your work out loud. It’s a great way to edit, and it’s also a great way to invite people into your creative world. Nothing has motivated me more in terms of writing productivity than reading my manuscripts to my very energetic and ADHD son. He’s currently 9 years old and incredibly dyslexic. Reading is a huge struggle for him. But he loves stories, particularity in audio form. Nothing has improved my writing quality or habits more than the constant encouragement and pestering of my little boy.
There’s a deeper purpose here than just getting words on a page in a form you don’t hate reading out loud. Having a reading/writing group or partner creates community. There is nothing more lonely and devastating than suffering from a mental health disorder alone. Invite people in.
4. Letting ideas percolate
When I’m hypomanic, I have A LOT of ideas. And I feel a compulsion to document all of them. I used to give into this desire. Sometimes it went fine. But most of the time, my brain worked faster than the keyboard, or depression and fatigue caught up with me. Believing that I would lose all these ideas sent me into an even deeper tailspin of depression and self-loathing.
I have learned that, at least for me, ideas are better off left to evolve and mature in my own mind before they reach the keyboard. This was such a freeing realization. For one, I rabbit-trail pretty hard when I write down fresh ideas. For another, I no longer went into a full on freak-out when I had an idea but nowhere to record it.
Letting ideas morph, grow, and even be flat out forgotten has left me less anxious and more productive. I’ve found that the good ideas stick around and the not-so-good ones either evolve into something better or go away entirely.
5. Learning to celebrate small victories
It is so important to fight for joy when living with a mental health disorder. Fighting for joy often means facing our fears. As Frank Herbert writes in Dune, “Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.” We cannot celebrate if we refuse to overcome. For me, overcoming depression is a daily battle. This means I must celebrate daily victories.
Don’t give in to the despair of the trenches. If nothing else, take a breath and celebrate the fact that you are hear and that you have a story in your heart that sets your imagination on fire. Take it one step futher each day. Did you write for 20 minutes? 10? 5? Victory. Did you talk to someone about your story and get some hard but well-though feed back? Victory. Count. Every. Victory.
This step is magical. Trust me. It’s like paying off debt. Start small and keep going. The math works. The psychology works. Pretty soon, you’ll find that the battles are not so tedious, and that the joy comes naturally.
If you’re a writer or artist and have suffered from a mental health disorder, I’d love to hear your story. Write a comment or send a note. And no matter what…
Stay inspired and keep writing!